Do You Want To Be A Ballerina?

My mom asked me that question in a Walmart at age three, and I started my dance career that year after some rigorous preparation via my Bella Dancerella dance mat and DVD. I danced for sixteen years straight and loved it fiercely, while allowing it to affect me deeply. My most confident moments were on a stage in front of all the moms and dads. However, I also spent countless hours feeding my insecurities in a room made of mirrors and girls that could not stop discussing the drama from their middle school dance teams. I remember one day in particular; I saw a couple of girls laughing and pointing at me while I danced. I glanced in the mirror (I was ten but had already conditioned myself to avoid looking at myself in the mirror unless absolutely necessary) and saw that my arms had turned bright orange because the brand new shirt I had worn all day had stained my skin. For the rest of the class, I danced with my arms down and started sobbing the moment I reached my mom’s minivan that was parked outside. My mind was constantly racing with all my insecurities, but no one ever knew. Dance had taught me how to stand up straight, walk with strong lines, make the right face at the right time… I knew how to hide.

When I had the idea to make a quilt out of my old costumes, I started journaling about my dance experience. And while most of my experience was positive, I kept getting stuck on this concept of dance building confidence. I googled why young girls should take dance classes, and “it will build their self-esteem” was almost always in the top three. After reflecting on my years of dance classes, I was not convinced I came out more confident, but I do believe I made it look that way.

Repurposed dance costumes (2024)

45” x 45”